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Getting through

Hello February, you scoundrel of a month.

I remember my father trying to talk to me when I was a know it all teenager of about 15. He gently tried to explain that often life gets tough, and that sometimes beyond circumstances that you can control, it just is unexplainably hard, with pressure building and hopefulness fading. I thought then that most adults, particularly my parents were idiots. I couldn’t wait to be a grown up, and what really could be so very hard about it? Big bunch of whingers I remember thinking.

I’ve been a grown up for a few months now, and finally I am just getting it. I feel beyond sadness that he is no longer here for me to tell him he was right. But many of his words stay. Blue February days can be toughies. You know those days. Nothing is technically wrong. All the bills have just about been paid, the house insurance is up to date, you haven’t missed a meeting or dental appointment. You and your partner are speaking, and the children are sort of behaving. Yet its hard to make it through, and you astutely avoid all internet images of kittens lest you start weeping, and never stop. Oh dear. 

So never mind what puts us there, what gets us through? The thought that winter is passing? A long hot bath? Brand new girl boxers ordered off the internet late at night? I really have no idea. 

I do know that attempting to knit slinky jumpers on circular needles with under arm cast offs, when I can barely knit a straight scarf, is not the cleverest. I also know Netflix and 82% dark chocolate is a no-no after 10pm. 

I want my dad. I want him to finish the other part of the conversation that he started 35 years ago. What is supposed to happen next? Do I just carry on? (keeping calm obviously NOT being an option; I have my Mars in Leo for goddsake). 

My default setting is clearly a cross between Joyce Grenfell and Doris Day – bracing walks in the countryside are embarked on, and plenty of good, wholesome food (ignoring the bad influence of best friend eating family packs of chocolate bourbons, I shall not fall madam….).

I bury myself in work, and try to stick to the surprising and quirky. Like finding badgers painted on gateposts, stacks of old letters from the 1930’s in the community recycling, and a gorgeous ginger cake mix sent spontaneously in the post by a lovely woman I’ve never met. 

And if it weren’t for the fact that I’m often held to ransom by a jack russel terrorist then its possible that February could be quite dandy after all……

3 comments

1 suzy parker { 02.21.14 at 9:36 am }

How lovely Jaine…hoping the sun today makes you smile…what a find those letters..I want to read them!!

and the badger post..great much love Suzy

2 Heather { 02.21.14 at 1:43 pm }

I agree, this month has been a struggle. I guess at a certain age all the different strands of our life are out there doing their thing, or not doing! I keep feeling utterly over-whelmed, and trying to grasp at different things. I think we just need to ride it out somehow! good luck, Heather x

3 Angela { 02.21.14 at 3:49 pm }

Heather I feel just like you. I’m going around in circles and the things that usually light my spark seem dull and uninspiring. I think that we just have to ride it out. Its been an awful Winter without the magic of sunny days where the frost lingers. Too many gloomy hours locked indoors. I have spent plenty of these weeping for my lost Grandmother who passed thirty years ago. I hear her voice more clearly when my spirits are low and the world is grey.

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